Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A Day In the Life of LILLY MAE




7:15 wake up angry.

7:16 immediately begin yelling for daddy.

7:17 mom enters room to get me out of bed and explain that daddy is at work.

7:17-7:27 walk around the house looking everywhere for daddy because mom is a liar.

7:28 realize mom was telling the truth and begin to cry because "i wamma dadddeeee"

7:29 climb on top the kitchen table to pound on the computer. mom takes me off the table.

7:30 - 7:32 repeat table/computer activity repeatedly till mom threatens to duct tape me to the wall.

7:35 breakfast.

7:37 throw breakfast on the floor.

7:38 scream for more breakfast.

7:39-7:45 eat food, throw food, feed Riley, throw cup, repeat.

7:45-8:00 scream bloody murder as mom changes diapers, clothing, and puts on shoes. Oops, mom put on the shoes that I hate today (even though I LOVED them yesterday), pick out other shoes and make mom put them on immediately.

8:01-8:45 generally speaking just make trouble for mom and do things such as jump off the couch, climb back on the table, bounce a bunch on the dishwasher door while it's open, find a butter knife on the counter (which mom still has no idea how I even got it down) and throw it at the dog, finger paint the tv (don't ask what I used to finger paint. Let's just say it's light green and salty and comes from my nose).

8:45-9:005 Ride along in the car while we take Jayda to school. If there's no movie on the in car then I scream like someone is pulling each hair out of my head very, very slowly.

9:00 - 9:15 drive back home after dropping Jayda off at school. Yell "SHESHE" (or sissy/jayda) for the entire 15 minute drive because I'm extremely ticked off she's at school and I'm stuck with my mom.

9:15-9:20 mom runs up stairs to pee. Silly lady. I use this time to pick up the dog food bowl and dispense dog food anywhere and everywhere I can think of. I also dump all the dog's water on the kitchen floor so I can pretend it's a slip'n'slide. Later, mom will find dog food in the pots and pans (which were inside the cabinet) when she goes to cook dinner. Surprise!

9:20-9:25 mom runs downstairs to start a load of laundry. HA! She'll just never learn. I use this time to open the refrigerator and place the shredded cheese, milk, and pickles all over the kitchen floor. Then I poop. I run like clockwork. Every morning at about 9:30 OR 11:30 I make a dookie. Then I scream while mom changes my diaper.

9:26-10:00 watch The Fresh Beat Band on tv because mom needs a few minutes of "downtime" to get stuff done without me trying to pick the dog up and put her in the dishwasher.

10 - 11:35 run errands with mom. I hate it. So I scream. And scream. And throw things out of the cart. Then I wave at people walking by so they think I'm cute and angelic and that my mom is a big ol' meanie. It's kind of evil of me. But hey, that's how I roll.

11:35 - 12:15 drive to and from getting Jayda from school. Repeat activity done during 8:45 - 9:00 time frame.

12:15-12:25 mom helps Jayda get in some comfy clothes, go pee, wash her hands, yada yada yada. So, while I'm not being watched like a hawk I find a marker that my sissy left out. I use it to draw all over every one of mommy's checks in her checkbook.

12:25-1:00 lunch time. It's just like breakfast, but with lunch food.

1:00-1:02 my mommy tries to do the dishes. While she turns her head for a minute, I kick down the baby gate that is blocking me from getting out in the front yard. I escape for about 60 seconds (which makes my mom feel like the WORST parent ever because something very bad could have happened). While I'm FREE for 60 seconds I decide to run over to my next door neighbors house and play, while still in all my clothes and shoes, in their hose. I'm soaking wet.

1:02 -1:05 My mom comes and picks me up. She's pissed. And scared about what could have happened. And mad at herself. And I think its funny. So I laugh and giggle the entire time I'm being scolded.

1:05 - 1:15 While we were outside drying me off, a neighbor came over to say hello. While my mom was holding me and talking to the neighbor, I unzipped her sweater and showed the neighbors my mommys boobs and bra (keep in mind these are her boobies that were a 34c, but after she had me they became a 34long...not pretty). My mom was pretty mortified. I found it hilarious!

1:16-mom mumbles something about one of us needing a nap.

1:17-3:00 I sleep. My mom recovers (and by "recovers" I mean does the dishes, laundry, plans dinner, pays bills, reads to Jayda, and vacuums).

3:00 I wake up angry.

3:01-3:20 snack. you can guess how this goes based on what breakfast and lunch were like, right?

3:20-4:00 play with my sissy. There'a lot of screaming and hair pulling involved (from me). My sissy takes it like a champ because she's awesome...but I sense she's getting a bit tired of my attitude.

4:02 (notice the missing two minutes??) I escape for two minutes only to have my glorious alone time shattered when my sissy screams for my mom to come help. My mom finds me standing in the bathroom sink drawing on the bathroom mirror with toothpaste. It was fun AND it tasted good.

4:03-4:05 My mom starts dinner and finds the dog food everywhere. I try to help by pulling out pots, pans, and pantry items. I can tell my mom is thrilled. Mommy looks so defeated when she's happy.

4:06-5:00 Mommy calls this the "witching hour." It's when I'm at my finest and she "barely holds on till daddy gets home." I try to make this time go by super fast for her so I keep her busy and entertained by trying to ride the dog, climbing up on the barstools and getting stuck and them screaming for help (I do this one over and over and over again till mom throws the bar stools on the front porch out of desperation), then I throw my gold fish snack on the ground and step on them to make sure they're really smashed into the carpet. I take a few minutes to find two rolls of toilet paper. I drop one in the toilet and it gets reeaalllly big! Then I take the other one and toilet paper sissy's bedroom. My mom starts yelling at my sissy for leaving the bathroom door open allowing me to do said activity.

5:01-5:10 play with mommy for a few sacred minutes, change diaper and get ready to go pick up daddy.

5:10-5:30 pick daddy up from the bus stop. I tend to yell a bunch while we drive there. Then I see him and act really, really angelic. Again, sorta evil of me to do, but it's worked for me thus far so I'll probably keep doing it. Dad gets in the car and says "what smells in here?" Mom looks like she's gonna cry.

5:31-6:00 eat dinner. yes, it goes about as well as breakfast and lunch. Only now daddy's home so he's angry because I keep throwing my food and screaming like a banshee.

6:00 - 6:30 play with daddy. It's my favorite time of the day. Mom usually rocks back and forth in a corner sucking her thumb during this time. I hear her repeatedly ask herself why she even bothers to clean or straighten throughout the day since it looks like WW3 in our house...which is CRAZY because it was clean 2 hours ago.

6:31 - 6:55 shower, brush teeth(try to throw my tooth brush in the toilet, but mommy catches it), put on PJ's.

6:55-7:00 song and prayer. Yell at anyone who doesn't have their arms folded just right. Yell Amen. Give kisses. Go night night.

7:01 - 7:09 - cry and whine that I'm in bed. then scream for help because my blanket is not exactly over my feet the way I like it. Dad comes in and fixes the blanket once last time.

7:10 fall asleep and prepare my body to do it all again tomorrow.

Luckily for us all, there are a TON of sweet kisses, big hugs, priceless smiles, and warm embraces that make this all enjoyable and very, very sweet.


WE LOVE YOU LILLY. WE WOULDN'T TRADE YA FOR THE WORLD (I was just kidding earlier today when I said I'd trade you for a half eaten girl scout cookie). :)

9 comments:

Elizabeth Moon said...

yikes. you win. I thought Gwyneth was tough. :)

megan said...

This probably isn't as funny as it happens, but I was laughing so hard I was crying as I read this! What a little spitfire! Hang in there.

Kerri said...

Oh Love! It sure is a good thing she's cute and give luvs! You are wonder woman! Hope you give yourself some sort of treat at the end of the day! Love you tons!

Heather said...

ummm I love her so much. I'll trade you a Lilly for a Joshie!! Then you'll never curse her again!
xoxox

hann said...

The heavier gauge materials are used to cater for the tougher work required of these sinks. The addition of a utility sink should be a priority, even if it wasn’t originally in the plans.

Mallory said...

oh my goodness!! How do you do it? You are awesome. I can't help but smile when I see her, a giggle will probably be added to that now.

Debra Porter Dickerson said...

I laughed till I cried. I can't wait to see that little one again. Sounds like you have met your match! Just kidding.

Erin said...

WOW. WOW. Her angelic thing has me fooled. I had no idea.

Brent said...

I was chuckling so much I had tears coming out of my eyes. Brilliant writing.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to put the dog in the dishwasher.